so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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