Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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