cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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