Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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