Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
