I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
