And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
