You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
