Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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