He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
i now understand why vodka
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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