i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
