There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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