You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
