Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
