if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
