I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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