Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
