I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
