I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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