Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
