she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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