I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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