Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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