Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
