She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
