I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
ok first of all what the fuck
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
