i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
