I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
what the fuck happened to the tacos
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
