Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
