I hate all girls vehemently.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
