I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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