my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
