Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
