You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
