Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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