I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I am available for nakedness
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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