The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
