question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
