Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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