any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
