does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
