I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
