Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
