She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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