your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
