I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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