How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
