Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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