This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
