Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
